Marcella Bakur Weiner, Ph.D., is one of our expert marriage and
relationship columnists and co-author of
"Repairing
Your Marriage After His Affair: A Guide for Healing and Rebuilding Trust."
She offers advice to a wife who isn't sure if she should forgive her cheating
husband.
Dear Dr. Weiner:
My husband recently confessed to me that he
has been cheating for over a year with an old girlfriend. He wants me to
take him back, and I agreed because we have two little beautiful girls. But
I can't get over what he did and I can't seem to feel happy at all anymore.
His affair is haunting me. What should I do? Do I need to leave to get peace
of mind?
Answer:Having an affair for over a year takes a lot of doing. And
he must have had some contact with this old girlfriend before the affair
itself began.
There was probably something in their former relationship which
he needed to reactivate at this time of his life. What it is we don't know
but it would be most helpful for you to find out.
While most men respond quickly with "It's the sex" it is usually
not so; it is rather that they are getting something out of the "outside"
relationship which has to do with "feeling cared about."
What that means to each man is different but in order to put the
marriage back on a solid footing, if at all possible, you would have to know
the answer to that, waiting until you are calm and can handle the response
until you try it.
A warning: Don't get caught up into the "what does she have that
I don't" or "You're sorry that you didn't marry her, aren't you?" agenda.
He'll just back off and deny if confronted.
Rather, with as much compassion as you can muster, ask him what
she gave him that you, from his point of view, didn't and take it from
there.
Once he responds, you can then make a conscious choice of whether
to leave or stay.
Remember, what he needs, or thinks he needs, may be way beyond what
you want to or can give.
You need to respect your boundaries and what you are willing to
do for him, yourself and the marriage. But, at least you will have information
that will guide you towards an intelligent decision.
You say you can't be happy anymore. Most understandable. Unless
this problem is cleared, your marriage hangs by a thread. Good marriages
are based on trust and closeness. If he cheated and wants to come back, it
has to be more than words.
Along with telling you what he wants from you that he gets from
his lover, he has to promise not just to go back to "where he was" even more!
That's the only way "I'm sorry" works.
Breaking a vow is a serious flaw and, spiritually speaking, to make
up for that, your husband has to go from the level at which he operated to
a much higher one, one that truly "touches the light."
In other words, he has to promise you what he will do which is more
than he has been doing even before the cheating began! That will be a way
of showing you his sincerity.
In terms of your children, kids are sensitive to all that goes on
in a family. Having him stay, your being unhappy is not a good environment
for them. Neither is your leaving, with anger, pain, and unresolved issues.
The point is for children to have two parents, apart or together, who feel
good enough about themselves and life to be able to be loving
parents.
And so, for the time being, focus on the marriage and follow, if
you will, some of these suggestions. Only then will you know whether to stay
or leave and trusting your heart, you can then go on with your life. Blessings
to you!
To
order "Repairing Your Marriage After His Affair: A Guide for Healing and
Rebuilding Trust" click on this link.
About the author: Marcella Bakur Weiner, Ph.D., is a clinical
psychologist, author and adjunct Professor of Psychology at Marymount Manhattan
College in New York City. Author or contributor to 20 books and 75 articles,
her most recent one is: "Repairing Your Marriage After His Affair: A Woman's
Guide to Hope and Healing" (with Armand DiMele). Her forthcoming book on
Biblical women will be available in 2000. Dr. Weiner is in private practice
in Brooklyn and New York City |
