Surviving Divorce
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Margaret Paro, 42, of Illinois, talks about betrayal
by the man she thought was her best friend, and the worst emotional pain
she has ever experienced in her life. "I learned how to be self-sufficient,
how to take on all of the responsibility of raising my daughter...I learned
to quit hating or at least to suppress that feeling. I lost my dream home.
I lost my best friend. I lost my soul for a long time."
What were the circumstances surrounding your divorce? Did this come as a surprise? How long were you married? Found out he was having an affair which he was unwilling to end after 19 years of marriage. It was a big surprise, especially when I found out it had been going on for many years and that there were other women too. What was your marriage like? Was it basically happy or basically miserable? Basically happy, or so I thought. We both worked hard throughout the marriage, possibly sacrificing our marriage for a higher standard of living. Was the divorce something you very much wanted? Or would you have liked to save your marriage? I definitely did not want a divorce and was willing to stay with him even after finding out about her. He did not feel the same. What has been the most difficult aspect of getting divorced? Missing the person who was my best friend for most of my life. He promised we could always remain friends but his new wife put a quick end to that. Is adjusting to the single life difficult? Easy? Fun? Horrible? It was absolutely horrible. I hated everything about the adjustment. What has your divorce taught you about yourself? That I don't need another person to make me happy and that I can take care of myself. Would you like to fall in love again? Not especially, although I am involved with someone at this time. I doubt that I will ever really love again, not in the same way with the same magnitude as before. What have you had to learn, accept, take on and let go of during this divorce? I learned how to be self-sufficient, take on all of the responsibility in raising my daughter, learn to quit hating or at least to suppress that feeling. I lost my dream home. I lost my best friend. I lost my soul for a long time. Do you miss your ex? Or are you glad he is gone? I miss him all the time. What advice do you have for other women now going through a divorce? Read a lot of self help books so that you will realize that you are not a horrible person, go to church and find peace with God, only confide in REAL friends who will not turn their back on you. Don't get into the alcohol rut. Don't become self destructive sexually. Remember that you were a viable person before the marriage and most likely you will be again. What are five things that have helped you get through this divorce? Good friends, church, work to take my mind off of the problems for 8 hours per day. A very understanding boss. My children and grandchildren. Did you receive the comfort and support you needed from family and friends? If so, what words and encouragement helped you the most? My family was wonderful but lived far away. I found out who my real friends were and they still are friends. I lost a couple who were not friends. No one really had any words to offer me that made me feel any better. The best I felt was when an indulging friend would assist me in my fantasies of planning revenge on him and would not deter me from my daydreaming. That was very healing. If you knew how your marriage would have ended on your wedding day, would you have married him anyways? Probably not, I'm not sure though. I loved him very much. Has this divorce caused you much emotional pain? If so, how are you coping with it? Getting a little bit better after three years but still have my days. It was the worst emotional pain imaginable and I would only wish it on two people - my ex and his new wife. They ripped my heart out and stamped on it. It will never be the same. Outside I'm OK but the real me is very bitter. In your opinion, what is the aspect of the divorce that is most difficult to get used to and accept? The betrayal was the worst. Everything else, such as moving and going on with life, was survival instinct. If one good thing could come out of this divorce, what would you like it to be? The peace I found in the church during the divorce and since then. He did not allow me to go to church because he was agnostic. Whenever I went he made such a big deal about it I stopped going early in the marriage. Are there children involved? If so, how are you helping them cope with divorce? Two children, one grown and married, the other was 10 years. She was very bitter, mad at ME, not HIM. When I started dating she was unbearable. We went to counseling but she wouldn't open up. She finally accepted the new lifestyle on her own when she realized that I would love her no matter what. Books on Divorce: After He's Gone: A Guide for Widowed or Divorced Women by Barbara Tom Jowell. To order click here. Complete Divorce Recovery Handbook (Lifelines for Recovery) by John P. Splinter. To order click here. Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building A New Life by Abigail Trafford. To order click here. My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They're Getting Divorced: An Interactive Tale for Children by Lois V. Nightingale. To order click here. It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book For Parents & Young Children During Divorce by Vicki Lansky. To order click here. Helping Children Survive Divorce: What to Expect, How to Help by Archibald D. Hart. To order click here. Vicki Lansky's Divorce Book for Parents: Helping Your Children Cope with Divorce and Its AfterMath by Vicki Lansky. To order click here. Families Apart: Ten Keys to Successful Co-Parenting by Melinda Blau and Melinda Blaw. To order click here. Joint Custody With A Jerk: Raising A Child With An Uncooperative Ex by Julia A. Ross. To order click here. Mom's House, Dad's House: A Complete Guide for Parents Who Are Separated, Divorced, or Remarried by Isolina Ricci Ph.D. To order click here. Surviving the Breakup: How Children and Parents Cope With Divorce by Judith S. Wallerstein. To order click here.
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