When there are children from a first marriage, and step children
from the second, who is owed what? How is money a symbol for power and fairness
within a family? Doug and Naomi Moseley, our expert relationship columnists,
discuss the division in money in blended families.The Moseleys are a
husband-and-wife therapist team and authors of
'Making
Your Second Marriage A First Class Success.' Visit their website at
www.IntimacyTraining.com.
Dear Doug,
I wouldn't call myself rich but I guess you
could say well enough off. I have two children from my first marriage and
my second wife has one child from hers.
In my will I have left one third my estate
to my wife (and her child), and one third each to my daughters. This seems
like a fair arrangement to me but my wife is unhappy and says that she evidently
ranks no higher than either of my daughters. She also believes that her child
(who I have now officially adopted) is not treated as an equal in this
arrangement.
I know that I will need professional help
but can you help me get started sorting out this
situation.
Doug's Answer: First off, be aware there is no single right
way to handle finances in a marriage. Couples who have been married before
(and thus likely to be dealing with legacies to multiple families) will approach
money issues differently from first timers.
Partners who feel a very strong commitment usually support strategies
that differ from those who are feel less sure about the future. A lot depends
on how much money is involved and whether or not there were disparities in
assets coming into the marriage.
And it gets even more complicated because seldom will one financial
agreement serve over the lifetime of the marriage -partners often discover
they need to periodically renegotiate financial agreements as stages and
ages change.
But perception of fairness is fundamental. Going from what you said,
it would appear that you have more control over more money than your wife
does.
Automatically that creates a set of challenges because whether we
like to see it this way or not, money equates with power and unless there
is a perception on both sides that the money is shared equally, the balance
of power inside a marriage is going to be always out of whack.
Unbalanced power in a relationship provides fuel for ongoing power
struggles -and we all know that isn't much fun.
Most money conflicts in a marriage begin when the partners who have
less of it, or less control of it, decide to risk expressing their
dissatisfaction (the one who has more has no reason to perceive a
problem!).
Usually that's a difficult thing to do because it means exposing
self interest and openly challenging the other's power position. However,
in order to get through money conflicts successfully (and not just
superficially), both parties have to be prepared to bring their positions
out onto the table for each other to understand. They have to be clear about
what is important to them, about where they will move and where they will
not.
A lot of people avoid this step, preferring to hold an image of
themselves as being 'above' economics, and/or above self interest. Too many
partners have feelings about the way money is handled but just collapse
themselves and say nothing because they are afraid to speak up and thus possibly
risk the relationship. Later on many of these folks pay a price in terms
of resentments that have fermented underground for too long a
period.
Part of the process of resolving your problem will be to get at
the underlying feelings that are underneath the money issues. For example,
right now your wife is feeling somewhat insecure about your commitment to
her; deep down she is asking whether your bond is stronger to your kids or
to her. The way the will is set up now she likely feels as if she is being
treated as one of the kids and the imagery is to her that you are not fully
married to her.
On your side the desire to look after your children is naturally
very strong. It's hard to take the leap of trusting that your partner will
care for your kids as you do. You no doubt are well aware of situations where
a legacy was left fully to a second spouse and when that partner remarries,
the birth children get shorted or left out altogether.
In a way you are saying that your children's well being is more
important than pleasing your wife and that too will have to come out into
the open (it's not good for the one who has more money to collapse
either).
At some point you have to begin to get down to actual dollar strategies
and figures. It helps to keep in mind that the way the actual dollars are
distributed is often not as important as the symbology of how things are
handled, which means getting down to that mutual perception of
fairness.
As a way of beginning this part of the process you might attempt
to put a value on your estate before you got married this time. You might
argue that a significant portion of that amount belongs to your first set
of heirs and then go about finding a way to dedicate the appropriate amount
to them through a trust-like device that would be split evenly by your birth
children in the event of your death.
If you can't spare the resources right now, another option would
be to take out an insurance policy for this amount and have your birth children
as beneficiaries of that policy. In any case it is best to have this amount
set aside so you have no day to day personal discretionary use of it (so
that the balance of power, money wise, does not continually land on your
side).
Then you could look at assets acquired after the marriage. Presumably
you would want your spouse to be live comfortably in the event you were not
around. That would likely mean the house you are in going to her and some
other amount. Then begins the work of calculating what it would take for
her to live reasonably.
After you agreed on that amount, you could look at dividing whatever
is leftover in your estate to the three children equally, now taking into
account your adopted child (who would also benefit from the mother's
assets.)
These of course are very general guidelines just to get you starting
thinking about what will likely turn out to be complex negotiations. When
you look for professional help, we strongly suggest you seek the mediating
variety as opposed to each side hiring experts to support their side of the
equation. We can only remind you that working through the emotions first
will make the later negotiations with accountants and lawyers go much more
smoothly.
To order
""Making
Your Second Marriage A First-Class Success" by Douglas and Naomi Moseley,
click on this link.
About the Authors: Douglas and Naomi Moseley can be reached at:
P.O. Box 430, Arroyo Seco, NM 87514 ph. (505) 776-1074 fax (505) 776-5658
Web Site:
www.IntimacyTraining.com.
Douglas received his Master's degree in Counseling Psychology from
the University of British Columbia. Naomi earned her Masters of Fine Arts
from Wayne State University in Michigan and has training in both dance and
Gestalt therapy.
In practice together since 1986, they conduct residential, intimacy
training workshops for individuals and couples at their center in Taos,
NM.
They also lead weekend workshops in various cities across North
America. If you'd like to receive a copy of their schedule or want to find
out more about the work they do, give them a call at (505) 776-1074 or E-mail
at moseley@laplaza.org.
BOOKS BY THE MOSELEYS:
After the release of their first book 'Dancing In The Dark, The
Shadow Side Of Intimate Relationships' in 1994, Douglas and Naomi discovered
there was a strong demand for what might be called 'depth relationship books'
-containing content for more sophisticated readers who had a desire to explore
relationship dynamics at deeper levels.
That led to a second book, 'Making Your Second Marriage A First
Class Success' which is just out. 'Second marriage' is in the title but it's
appropriate for all couples who want to improve their marriage and even for
individuals who want to learn more about effective intimate
relating.
MAKING YOUR SECOND MARRIAGE A FIRST CLASS SUCCESS:
Though only out a few months, 'Making Your Second Marriage A First
Class Success' has received strong reviews and was rated A+ by Marriage Magazine.
Here is a small sampling of comments from experts in the field:
"An intelligent guide to working through the challenges of a second
marriage and learning to communicate more effectively." John Gray, author
of Mars/Venus books
"This book offers anyone seeking a healthy relationship words of
hope and wisdom. It is a wonderful guide to learning how to be a good partner
and how to recognize who might be appropriate for you." Caroline Myss, author
of Anatomy of the Spirit
"Through devastating honesty and open hearts, the Moseleys present
very powerful, penetrating, and personal material that will help couples
commit more deeply to each other and develop more fulfilling relationships."
Dr. Brugh Joy, author of Joy's Way and Avalanche.
"With incredible clarity, uncompromising truth, and rare refreshing
wisdom, the Moseleys have written a life changing book that will help create
profoundly intimate relationships." Krysta Kavenaugh, editor of Marriage
Magazine
"It becomes very clear when you read this book that Douglas and
Naomi Moseley know a lot about relationships. I was very impressed by the
depth of knowledge, the down-to-earth practicality and the astute approach
taken in this book." Pat Love, author of Hot Monogamy
"This is a much needed book that will surely help build a better
foundation the second time around." Gerald Jampolsky, author of Love Is Letting
Go Of Fear
UPCOMING TAOS RETREATS:
Our residential retreats are designed for individuals and couples
who are ready to discover something new about themselves and want to experience
deeper ways of relating. Group sizes are keep small in order to offer large
amounts of individualized attention. Emphasis is on truth, feelings, and
continued personal growth. We also hold that sometimes movement comes through
challenging our delusions and working with growing up the emotionally young
parts within. If you're ready for a significant shift in your life, come
and join us. Tuition includes comfortable accommodation and delicious
meals. |
