Lisa, of Seattle, Washington, shares her story of a husband's betrayal
with his old college girlfriend. Lisa had trusted her husband completely--imaging
that she was more apt to have an affair than he was. But an e-mail meant
for her husband's eyes only revealed the truth. Lisa felt, "sick to my stomach.
Insecure. Ugly and fat. Undesirable. Weak and needy. Stupid for not knowing."
She decided to give him another chance, wanting to keep her family intact,
but the pain remains. "I know I will never again have that blind faith in
him, or anyone most likely."
Tell us about your experience with
infidelity.
In January of this year, I found out my husband had just ended a
1-1/2 year long affair. At the time I discovered this, we had been married
6-1/2 years (we have two children aged 2-1/2 and 4-1/2, both are girls) I
have had a few rough times in my life, but never have I felt the excruciating
pain of this betrayal.
I trusted my husband COMPLETELY and always said I trusted him more
to be faithful than I trusted myself.
He always seemed so disdainful of people who clearly do wrong (he's
a police officer).
In hindsight, however, I remember him being less judgmental than
I was about extramarital affairs, and while this annoyed me, I never for
a moment thought he might have been defending his OWN choice to have
one!
It should have been a red flag to me but like I said, I trusted
him without reservation.
I think I also thought that if I ever had an affair, I wouldn't
be able to live with the guilt and deception and the possible loss of my
family and respect.
Since I felt so strongly in that way, I just assumed other
people--especially my husband--would also feel that way.
I also felt strongly that if a man ever cheated on me, was addicted
to anything, or hit me, I'd be gone in no time flat.
When the reality of his affair surfaced, I had to face what I had
never questioned--when I chose to let him stay (he said he wanted to) I had
to deal with my own self-DISrespect: what kind of woman would allow a man
like that stay in her life? Am I desperate? Am I so insecure now that ANY
kind of man is better than none? What if my daughters find out about it?
Would they see me as weak for staying or worse, learn that this kind of behavior
is acceptable?
The bottom line was this: I wanted my family intact. He made a HUGE
mistake and it was a reflection of his character, not mine.
I will not take him back if it ever happens again. As scared as
I am about my daughters being raised by divorced parents, and as much as
I fear all the repercussions they'd face in that situation, there would be
no other choice for me.
Once bitten, twice shy, I guess. My husband knows all that he risked
with that affair. If he's willing to throw it away, I won't fight to change
his mind. We have been through all this once, I don't intend to live with
it again.
How did you discover that your partner was
cheating on you?
The affair my husband had was for a long time emotional, not physical.
His college love contacted him, wanted to get caught up, wanted to vent about
her bad marriage, wanted to have him back in her life (to relive happier,
easier days?)
She lives in the next state, so they were in touch on the phone,
through letters, and email (at his work) for about 10 months.
After that, they met twice while I was out of town, and once when
I wasn't, but that was the extent of there physical relationship.
My husband was at work when I got home one night and checked our
email...her reply to his recent email was right there on the screen. We were
new to online and I guess he thought if he deleted his letter, I'd never
see it. She started her response with "In writing this I hope you have your
own password."
I read it over and over trying to figure out what it all meant,
my mind would not open to the idea that this was a real letter from a lover!
There's just no way, it couldn't be, this is a joke--I know it is! I KNOW
MY HUSBAND WOULD NEVER DO THIS!
Once I couldn't deny it any longer, all I could hope for was that
they were talking about a one-night, relatively anonymous fling. That night,
when he got home, I took him in to look at both our daughters, then sat him
down, asked him how he could risk losing his two little girls, and made him
tell me everything.
I think he has told me all of it, but I guess I'll never know for
sure.
I called her (the other woman) and pretty much got the same story.
She is also married with two kids. I also contacted her husband (she tried
many tricks to keep that from happening, but I was determined! I was able
to track down where he worked and sent a registered letter).
I gave him just the "need to know" information, because I felt he
deserved the dignity of making some choices with regard to his marriage.
There was, rather importantly, the issue of STDs (the sex they had was
unprotected) and I knew it was in his best interest to be aware of that.
I have never heard back from him.
How did this infidelity make you
feel?
Sick to my stomach. Insecure. Ugly and fat. Undesirable. Weak and
needy. Stupid for not knowing. Protective of my daughters. Paranoid (at first
that the other woman--or her husband-- would want revenge on me/us). The
only thing that seemed the least bit positive about it was that it ended
before I found out, not BECAUSE I found out.
How did you cope with this
infidelity?
I still am coping. It gets easier as time passes. He is understanding
of my bad days, he has helped by apologizing and being willing to do whatever
I think might help.
One thing that really helps is his making sure I have no good reason
to be suspicious. He was a very good man, with innumerable admirable qualities
before our marriage took a turn for the worse, and I remind myself that the
affair doesn't erase all of that.
I'm so sad that he chose such a destructive way to deal with his
unhappiness, but in all honesty, it has been a wake-up call for us, and a
turning point for us.
Just recently, my husband apologized face to face with two of the
people who know about all this. I saw this as such a brave and respectful
thing to do, to face those "demons." It was clear that he knows that this
affair didn't just impact him and me, and that his choice had huge potential
ramifications on the whole rest of his life.
Did this act of infidelity change your
relationship? If so, how?
Well, most obviously, I do not trust him the same. I know I will
never again have that blind faith in him, or anyone most likely.
The infidelity changed our relationship because we had to make a
conscious decision to stay together and find ways to battle the problems
that led him to choosing an affair.
We had been living separate lives, essentially, and that is changing,
too: we used to work opposite hours with no full days off together, in the
fall our schedules will be such that we have EVERY evening
together.
We allowed the grind of work and kids get in the way of making time
together to reconnect and remind ourselves why we picked each other in the
first place, now we try much harder to set aside "date time" every week,
just the two of us.
We lost a lot of intimacy and had placed our relationship kind of
low on our list of priorities, assuming, I guess, that it would just take
care of itself.
I know I look at us differently and with more respect--I saw what
was almost lost, I walked on the edge of that cliff. I try very hard to take
responsibility for my part of our marriage problems (though I feel NO
responsibility for his affair).
What is happening in your relationship
now?
We plan to stay together.
The infidelity did destroy parts of our relationship (the trust-without-question,
the pride I'd had in a marriage I knew others envied, the respect I had for
his means of coping) but all the things I just listed are not by a long shot
damaged beyond repair.
As I said before, I will never completely trust again, but I will
fight to take the leaps of faith necessary so that I can trust him as much
as possible.
The pride I'd felt in our marriage can be regained by getting through
this. If we can weather this tornado, we ARE strong and I can't wait for
the day I look back 10 or 15 or 50 years and smile when I recall how we fought
for our marriage and each other. THAT will be true pride.
And the part about his coping? Well, maybe I'm still in denial,
but my experience with this other woman is that she is extremely manipulative,
and he's a pretty nice guy.
He allowed himself to be taken by her sob story and their common
fond memories of the easier, less stress filled days they shared in
college.
I truly understand the longing for no obligations, and no major
financial responsibilities, and life without kids everyday. I will never
understand risking it all for a pseudo-relationship (even though he called
it love. Ouch.)
How did this experience with infidelity change
you?
I don't take my marriage for granted anymore. I am more fearful of
divorce because the idea has been introduced in our marriage: before the
affair, divorce never crossed my mind. It never seemed to me like an option.
Now it does. It's like we said the "D" word out loud and so now it's even
easier to say.
What advice do you have for women who have
been cheated on by their partner? How can they get through
it?
One thing I'm glad I did is I told very few people about the affair.
Because I knew I wanted to try to fight for my family, I didn't want a bunch
of people booing and hissing in our direction.
My husband has been punished enough, now let's get on with it. We
saw a counselor and that was helpful to a degree. The fact that he was willing
to go was the biggest deal--if he'd refused counseling we'd be in divorce
proceedings now, I think.
If a woman's husband is willing to take responsibility for the affair,
and both are willing to take responsibility for the problems that led to
it, and if the husband is willing to completely sever ties with the other
woman (and stop any other inappropriate behavior) then she needs to place
trust when she can, and slowly it will get easier. There is no pain like
this pain, but that will gradually pass.
What is the hardest part of suffering this
type of betrayal?
The hardest part is mourning the loss of trust, and knowing that
in order to go through with an affair, my husband's respect for me must have
been nonexistent, and his love for me would have been pretty low on the scale,
too.
I ache inside when I imagine the him badmouthing me to her, justifying
the affair. I imagine them cuddling and laughing and musing about how life
is so great without the wife.
How did this infidelity impact your sense
of self-worth?
At first it smashed it all to pieces, until I could see that his
choice to be unfaithful was a weakness in HIS character, not a corner I backed
him into.
I know that if other people knew about it, they would see it as
a reflection of him, not me...ESPECIALLY since he chose to risk a marriage
that included two innocent little girls. |
