Michelle Gottlieb, one of our expert relationship columnists, is
a marriage, family and child therapist.
Dear Michelle,
I've been going out with a terrific guy for
the past year. Recently we moved in together and I've discovered a few things
I'm not sure I can live with.
He is in huge debt. Apparently he took out
large loans and maxed out about 10 credit cards. He has no explanation for
what he did with this money.
We pool our money to pay our joint bills,
put some in a savings account and give ourselves an allowance for the remainder
of the money. Out of his allowance comes payments for his various debts.
This leaves him with a very tiny personal acct. He complains about it, but
he says he does want to change. He has cut up all his credit cards. I've
told him that he must stick to the budget and pay off his debts or I'm
gone.
I want to have children but there is no way
this man can help me support a family unless he cleans up his spending
problem.
On the good side, he loves me, is very sweet
and supportive, funny and intelligent. My family loves him and they are
pressuring us to marry, they don't know about his money problems. I don't
want to marry him, of course, until I'm sure he can beat this
problem.
According to our budget it will take at least
three years to pay off his debts. Is it worth staying with him and helping
him fix this one problem or am I fooling myself about a person's ability
to change?
Signed, Can People Change?
Dear Can People Change,
Yes, people can change if they have enough motivation. If your terrific
guy complains some about what he needs to do, but still does it, then he
will be okay (we all have the right to complain now and then).
However, is he willing to buckle down and do this for three years
and then from that point on have a healthy way to deal with his
money?
The only way to find out is time. It is not up to you to give him
orders, because that will only make him rebel and you, resentful. The two
of you will know when it is time for you to get married, not your family.
Do what is right for you, not what is right for any body else.
Look at the whole package: if he is sweet and loving and willing
to learn and compromise, he might be a good partner for you. Allow yourself
some time to find out.
About the Author: Michelle Gottlieb is a Marriage, Family
and Child Therapist who has a private practice in Fullerton. You can contact
her by e-mail her at
MGottMFCC@aol.com.. And remember,
this column offers general advice and is not to be used as a substitute for
a client-therapist relationship.
Living in today's world can be confusing and scary. It seems as
if the rules have changed from when we were growing up, certainly from when
our parents were growing up. Sometimes we want someone to bounce an idea
off of, someone to touch base with so that we can make sure that we haven't
lost sight of our goals, someone who is not involved in our daily lives.
Commitment is happy to give you that chance.
Michelle Gottlieb, MFCC, will be answering your questions and helping
you to maintain your balance in this crazy world. Michelle is in private
practice in Fullerton and has been doing psychotherapy for over 13 years.
She will be happy to answer your questions sent to her e-mail at
MGottMFCC@aol.com. If you want to
contact Michelle for therapy, please call her at 714-879-5868, ext.
5.
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Passionate Marriage: Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed
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* How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
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* Mars and Venus On A Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages
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* Mars and Venus Together Forever: Relationship Skills for Lasting
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* Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: A Practical Guide for
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The New Joy of Sex: A Gourmet Guide to Lovemaking in the Nineties
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101 Nights of Grrreat Sex: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun Loving
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1001 Sex Secrets Every Woman Should Know by Chris
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